Over the past few months I’ve really been spending a lot of time reflecting. Thinking about my life, where I’ve been and how far I still have to go. A lot of things have changed. Specifically, I’ve noticed a change in my mental health. I’ve begun to experience some mild depression that ebbs and flows throughout the day. In the past I would have felt a feeling that would cause me to feel down or sad and I would not question it knowing that eventually the thought or feeling would go away. However, lately I’ve noticed that the feelings some times lingers a little longer than usual. On those days I tend to spend a lot of time in bed or on the couch talking to God, crying and talking to God some more. Mostly I talk to God about my illness, I wonder “why me” at times, and I wonder what the future might hold for me.
I’ve been on this chronic illness journey for 20 years now. Where did the time go? I was chatting with my husband a few weeks ago and he mentioned that he has never known a healthy version of me. That’s sad when you hear that said out loud. It has for sure been a whirlwind of a journey. I’ve had a revolving door of doctors on my team, countless medication prescriptions (some changed just days after filling), several MRI’s and CT Scans, hundreds of trips to the lab for blood work and numerous road trips for the doctors I see who are out of town, with the furthest being in Louisiana. Whew…that’s a lot! Through it ALL I must admit that I have been blessed and God has certainly shown me and my family favor.
The sadness I feel is mostly due to feeling left out of what I see others doing. I scroll through social media and see family and friends doing “fun” things, taking trips, etc and if I’m honest, I feel left out. The enemy gets in my head and tells me that family and friends don’t include me because “I’m the sick one and if they include you, you will slow them down”…that hurts to consider though deep down I know my family/friends don’t think that way when it comes to me-though it doesn’t stop the enemy from trying to deposit that into my spirit. I know that it’s a lie but I must admit I sometimes find myself wondering if there’s any truth to it. Those thoughts are what keep me longing for the days that I was “well enough” to do whatever I wanted to do and go wherever I wanted to go without hesitation. Where are those days? Where did the time go? I know that God has a plan for my illness journey and that He is with me always…even on the days when I’m feeling sad and/or left out. Once I get past the pity party that I often throw for myself I am reminded of the love God has for me and how this is just a season intended to help me grow in my faith.
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PS: If you or a loved one is suffering from anxiety or depression please reach out for help. You can talk to a trusted family member, or friend or seek support from a professional that can help you. Please know that you are not alone.
Daniel 3:18 “And if not, He is still good! “
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