There are days when I sit back and reminisce about the way things used to be before I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Moments when I close my eyes and remember who I used to be. While I don’t live in the past; I do tend to visit it from time to time. And when I do, a little grief begins to set in. Especially when I consider what could have been.
What I miss the most isn’t just one thing though. It’s freedom!
I miss waking up and not having to consider how much energy it will take for me to be present that day. I miss being spontaneous- being able to say “Yes” without thinking about the consequences or needing to come up with a plan for how to move through the world without pain.
I miss people not seeing me as “fragile”. I miss being able to help others instead of me being the one in need of help. I miss being able to walk fast and dancing around the house without worrying if I will fall or how much it will cost me tomorrow. But more than anything, I miss the version of me that didn’t feel like a burden.
Even still, chronic illness has taught me a lot:
Even in the missing, I am still whole.
Even in the grieving, I am still growing.
God has shown me that I’m not less valuable because of my limitations. In fact, it’s in these limitations that His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). My identity is not rooted in what I used to do, but in who I belong to-and He is not done with me yet.
A bit of encouragement: If you’re reading this and you miss who you were before illness; please know that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to long for the energy, the old version of yourself. But also know that the “you” who exists today is still worthy, still called, still held tightly in the hands of our faithful God.
Let us choose to make room for both-the grief and the grace.
PRAYER
Lord, I miss who I used to be. But I thank You for who I am becoming. Please help me carry the losses with grace and to trust that even this version of myself that is sick, tired, and aching is still worthy of love, purpose and joy.
In the name of Jesus, Amen!
Thank you friend for stopping by. Please be sure to subscribe, follow, comment and share this with someone who is also suffering with chronic illness. It is my goal to empower, encourage, and inspire others who are also on a personal health journey.
You can do hard things!
XO, Windy
Follow On Social Media:
Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube: @windysjourney
Leave a Reply